When you go through a new experience, and if you were like me, you face the fear of being judged. It could be that we tend to get comfortable with where we are and our routines.
I have started this new experience at work, and the evaluation is soon, the closer it comes the more I feel its pressure on me. My body tends to translate its stress through various physical pain. Some symptoms are cycling and sometimes my body introduces me with new symptoms.
I keep on telling myself, that this physical pain and agony is not worth the stress and fear I got from being judged or the fear of something new. Even though I try to calm myself and reassure myself that it is all going to be well at the end, my subconscious is not listening and my body is showing some of those stress signs.
I need to get more and more out of my comfort zone, to overcome these types of fear, and to gain more confidence for I have earned where I am now.
Does anyone really know themselves that well? Is it right to assume that someone else than you would know you better than you know yourself or know what is better for you?
These questions stemmed out from some experiences I have went through last year, which sadly affected my selfsteam.
It is this controversial equation between people who knew me for a long time and people who just came to know me recently. As if people who knew me from along do not notice the changes that I might have made, or you can call them self development approaches, to myself and that they see me as the old person that they know. On the other hand, people who came to know me recently, do appraise the developments that I went through.
Having those controversial views confuse me, Did I manage to go ahead with the changes that I wanted to and actually was successful? or are people who know me from along are right and that I am the same old me, need lots of improvement and know nothing and all the negative feelings they make me feel – I actually should feel them?
If time went back and you had a chance to do things differently, would you?
My first reaction would be no, but actually I would. Some people I let into my life, some people that I have shared some info with and those people I have I trusted might not get that chance again. It is not that they didn’t deserve it at the time but it is because they misused that which I gave them. I am not weak but I know I’m emotional and can be trusty- something that I’ve tried over and over to avoid being, but one can’t change oneself or so I’ve been told.
The person who gets hurt at the end is you, me, not them. You are the one who would be affected by your actions’ out come not them. They might consider it as a pass by event and even forget about it. On the other hand you may and may not be sitting there thinking about what on earth have you done/said.
Personally I wish there was some sort of withdrawal from everything and just pause everything, moment of clarity. Take a break whenever you need because you deserve a break every now and then even if you noticed that you need it more often than others. Listen to your body and brain’s status. If you were like me, most of my actions that I would love to do differently were made when I was mentally (and sometimes even physically) drained or even just tired.
At the end, I know I asked the question and answered it somehow, I’m still with the approach “not regrets” as life is an ongoing school that we progress in and hopefully learn with minimum repetition of its lessons.
Emotional or physical pain, both affect us differently. Sometimes we seek that physical pain to over come an emotional one and other times we translate out physical pain as a result of some unresolved emotional need or aspect of our lives and then make it all about that emotion.
Some of us tend to insure that our lives are filled with one of those two types of pain, either for their own emotional satisfaction or envy.
Recently I’ve been thinking about hurting oneself, putting it in either physical or emotional pain. Turning the person to his own prisoner. If one is not aware, it can transform to addiction, one which would be somehow hard to get sober from. That adrenaline rush one gets can be addictive; was is created because of physical or emotional pain.
One is to be stronger and have more control over one’s life.
This post relates to me on different levels. I need to be aware of the pain I put myself through sometimes and be more conscious aware and in control.
Time really flies by. Can’t believe it has been more than a year in my new position. I am blessed and grateful. This past year has been a work in progress, and the years to come too.
We go through different stages in our lives that builds us and helped making us the way we are now. These stages vary from school, family, neighbourhood and so on. These stages are full with lessons to be learned and learned from.
For a more recent stage I am in, my new job, not that new for now. This stage held various lessons and curbs that were enlightening.
Our jobs are part of our contemporary lives. If one spends 8 hours out of house; transportation to and from work combined with the actual hours in work. Therefore, I feel that it can be sometimes more than just part of our contemporary lives, it can consume our everyday lives if we are not aware of that. Yes! I’m talking about being a workaholic without being aware of that.
Seeking balance between our work life and personal social lives can be a challenge for some it can be one. Do what ever suits you best, not what you think people think is best for you. This is your life not theirs.
This post is my way of saying: I miss writing in my blog and I am blessed for the things I got, the place I am in and the people I know and knew before.
I know that history can and does repeat itself every now and then. The proof is that we learn from the past when dealing with similar if not exact situation.
Been a long time since I went to visit and stay with this lovely family member, I love her a lot and I am blessed to have her in my life; but every time I notice that she treats me as if I'm the youngest in the family, to the degree that girls younger than me are treated according to their age but not me.
I know somehow through my soul search and exploration through the years who I am, and still working on improving some points, and I know what's my physical capabilities.
For her, she believes I don't have any of the things I've said, which proven by modern medicine and imaging. She thinks, if not believes, that I've made things up and that I'm OCD or just having them (symptoms) in my head.
Yes! Some things r emotionally triggered and generated but the other part are physically permanent.
It kinda hit a nerve when I felt the sensation of her thinking of me as a pier or the type op people who seek to claim illness. She wouldn't listen to what I'm saying and insists on what she believes. So as I do most of the times in suck conversations, I shut off and raise the white flag of surrendering, don't feel like arguing about something with a person who is not willing to hear me out and listen with awareness to what I'm saying. Besides, me insisting even more on my stand might end up in me ruining my relationship with this amazing person.
Some might call what I've done weakness, but I see it picking your battles/ conversations/ arguments.
Would like to get your thoughts about what would you do or react if in my place?
Given the sensation by a person that he/she knows what's better for you than you ( and she/ he is not your parent). Also, when that person acts to know better about you than you know yourself.
It has been one academic year so far… and the experience is priceless.. In which I have met and made new colleagues… came in contact with students who have enriched my life experience and together we learned things in the field of design and life.
From the things that I have experienced and hope to keep on experiencing is the lessons that I learn about life, and so far been good ones with no casualties.. or embarrassment, and for that I am blessed.
With summer break half way through, I still wish to develop myself before the new academic year starts, want to be ahead of what might be given… Things need to be dealt with, emotions and academic material.. There is no way to deal with one without involving the other….
I hope for things to be better with everyday, and hope that I keep on excited and motivated everyday… it is something that I have dreamed to do and blessed enough to have the opportunity of doing so far…
Thought I might write a long post, as I wanted to express how I felt or went though during that year, but seems like the shorter the more expressive it reads.. with more chances for other posts to come that might hold more specific details.