Seems like there is a relation between stress and my actions, how inconsiderate I might act when I feel that I’m under pressure. I don’t think it is because I cannot handle the situation, but I think it is because I get this feeling of “What am I going to lose more” so tend to lose it all at once. Going back to my deadlines memories and noticing that there is a pattern, one that I need to dump and try to get a new pattern instead.
Not expecting from people around me to take this in mind, for each of us, specially in PhD life, got our own issues and problems to worry about. I am not that special, not more than them, so I need to consider their situation as I would like them to consider mine. For life is a two way road not a one way road. Life was never “it’s either my way or the highway”.
At the highest point of stress after going mad I like to try and step backward and view things from the outside, trying to evaluate my actions and reactions. Somehow this is helping me notice and understand myself even more. Also I have noticed the bad actions/reactions by me towards people around me, and how tolerant those people were with me, specially the close ones and I do appreciate having them around me, it is such a blessing.
I can go all bossy and ordering people around
I can go all crazy and paranoid
I can be the worse person in the room
I can be one’s worst nightmare
I can be all the bad things anyone can imagine
Maybe one would think that I am acting nice
Maybe one would dislike me being there physically but not mentally
But deep down I do not mean it at all, not using this line as a lame excuse, but it is something that I am trying to change, and will achieve that change soon, hopefully.
Finally I would like to tell anyone who knows me, and I acted bad to you, I do apologize, it was never my intention. Sometimes though I act bad, but I keep on blaming myself for these actions over and over again, even if you tell me that you understand I would beat myself